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Another winner from Jaik; we really can’t work out what’s going on, so let’s assume Evans is angered.
Continue reading "Crevs Bares Teeth If You Give Him Grief" »
Here’s a great shot of Evans having a little dance around, from our Chief Angrymen, Jaik.
Continue reading "Evans Dances Like No-One’s Looking; Loves Like He’s Never Lost" »
Smick from the Wild Wild West writes,
“Dear Auntie Evans,
I’ve just seen two crackheads, talking jibberish, shaking babies and having a little dance when they thought I wasn’t looking. Any advice?”
Evans responds:
“Well Catboy, in this sort of situation, you wanna hope the crackfiends haven’t seen you. But as they’re a little blurry when you’ve lost your glasses, let’s assume they noticed, and deal with it before you develop an addiction.
Shape a large carrot from crack, tie it to a stick, and use it to lure them away from the shaken baby. If you can’t get hold of enough crack – maybe your dealer is hanging out in Northamptonshire, for example – shape a rock of crack from a real carrot instead. You’ll probably find one in the bins behind M&S.
As for the talking jibberish, well… as you know, I often believe other people are speaking Spanish. Maybe you just aren’t listening, or shouldn’t have done so many pills last night.
Hey ho.”
Trevor O’Shanty from Quimsford asks:
“Dear Auntie Evans,
With it being a new year, I’m wondering what clothing’ll be in fashion this season. Can you give me any sartorial tips for 2010?”
Auntie Evans responds:
As you know, i’m all about les arts-de-fabrique. I think you’ll find the best clothes this year will indeed be found – in a bin bag. If you’re squatting, you’ll easily find socks and the suchlike, previously belonging to your best friend’s big sister who has size three feet. Hey, at least they’ll keep your toes warm, and even if they’re bright pink, you won’t be able to make out the fairy or cartoon cow motifs on account of having mislaid your specs.
If you wish to inform people about the phenomenal gulf between your actual intellect and track record for daftness, you could try a T-shirt with Shakespeare on it. Some people will recommend shoplifting the clothes you desire, but in my experience this just gets you hit around the head by a 73-year-old Pakistani man.
Other than the above, coaching jackets for warmth. If you’re lucky there may be some Cresta merchandise around, that really is this year’s Prada.
You’ll be swish as a lord.”
As you may have noticed, we had a little technical blunder over Christmas resulting in Crevs.co.uk being unavailable – and the last three Days of Crevmas seem to have vanished.
Don’t worry, though, normal service will be resumed ASAP.
Meanwhile, here’s Evans pulling a funny face in the background from before Unique was shut down, and a picture of Always Evans proudly displayed on a Macbook Air in central London’s Apple store, where we planted it on about twenty computers for the public’s delectation. Hey, maybe you are reading this now because of it.
Happy new year!
Dorina Kaligerous from Wantage, Oxon. writes:
“Dear Auntie Evans…
I’ve been trying to get up the courage to buy some reeferdoobs. However, I’m nervous. What is a trip to the dealers like?”
Auntie Evans responds:
Once you’ve overcome that hurdle, you’ll need to make sure your intended dealer is not currently undergoing a shakedown from the fuzz, a minor surgery, family dinner or GCSE exam. He won’t be pleased if he ends up with a C in English Literature because he got chucked out of the exam, so don’t walk into that exam pretending your name is Kirsty. Especially if you are in the year above.
Finally, once you have your drugs, any delay may result in the five-oh turning up, so just do them all straight away. Twenty pills is fine, as is an eight of coke in a single line. If you’ve bought green, you’ll probably want to do it in buckets or old-stylees so you don’t have to buy any Rizla. Seeing the prices in KLG is hard when you are gurning and the cops have broken your glasses.”
Here’s a great shot of Craigy enjoying the first £1.50 pint of the evening at everyone’s favourite, Unique Bar.
Steve from St Neots writes, “Dear Auntie Evans…
Recently my Jewish boyfriend has refused to buy me £4 loaves of bread from Marks & Spencer, saying they are exactly the same as Tesco Value. I beg to differ. Obviously I don’t want to spend my own money on these pricey yeasty delights – what can I do?”
Auntie Evans responds:
Unfortunately, like some sort of urban fox, I got a bit too bold and the lure of those gourmet prawn sandwiches was too much, and I went through their bins during the day. Now they die all the food, but if you don’t mind a purple gob, this is still a great way to get quality food at the low low price of your dignity. Otherwise you’ll have to go through Somerfield’s bins, and that’s a bit dirty isn’t it.
Your friends may take the piss, of course, but you are probably eating better than they are. Call it freeganism, and you can maintain a moral highground whilst chowing down on your not-just-any-food.
Other ways to eat when hungry are coincidentally knocking at a mate’s door around dinner time, and occasionally grab your stomach and grimace a little bit. When they ask what’s up, reply that you must be getting hunger pains because you haven’t eaten in days. It might be an idea to make a note of who has fed you each day though – if you get too fucked and forget, the person that made you breakfast that day may think you are insulting their hospitality – or worse still joking, and that won’t get you food, or indeed find your glasses.
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