Auntie Evans: Agony Coach

In the first of a new series, Auntie Evans will answer all your blunder-related problems.

Have you been in a drug-related stupor for the last six days, and are unsure where your glasses are?

Do you need advice on masturbation techniques whilst living in a shed?

Email Auntie Evans on auntie.evans@crevs.co.uk and he will respond to your problems with his usual degree of common sense and compassion. Watch the front page for updates!!

MC from St Neots writes,
“Dear Auntie Evans…

It’s my birthday soon and my friends have asked me to go to a rave and take acid. What do you think I should do?”

Auntie Evans Responds:

“The best possible thing to do here is ensure the rave is at some dirty squat in Hackney – preferably the worst bit of Hackney. You’ll probably go with your mates and expect to have a good time.

I would tend to triple-drop the recommended dose, or quadruple it if you’ve never done acid before. LSD is a powerful substance, unless your name is Stan, so you wanna make sure you get well and truly fucked.

The only way this could go sour is if you start to believe you can alter reality. The night might end with you breaking a ladies nose, or stripping off and taking on the ten hardest men in the room. The acid means you will keep getting up for more, so expect potentially broken bones.

After you have horrified one of your best mates by making him hug you – whilst naked – you’ll end up in the hands of London Ambulance Services finest. Charing Cross hospital is your ideal destination, as there are often a lot of clothes around to steal when you wake up naked and discharge yourself (ignoring the obvious head traumas you’ve experienced).

With any luck, you’ll wander aimlessly to King’s Cross and bump into your friends. So really, as you can see, acid is a great idea which probaby won’t result in you losing your glasses or job.”

Keep your problems for the Agony Coach coming!! Auntie Flevanator or one of the team will respond to you as soon as we can.