Auntie Evans: Homeless Assistant

Today, Dr Flevens answers Disappointment Dave’s query on homelessness.

Dave, from Eynesbury, writes:

“Dear Auntie Evans…

A couple of weeks ago I broke my ankle whilst playing on the spinning disc. Since then, I have been fired from my job and my parents have kicked me out.

How can I start getting back on my feet?”

Auntie Evans responds:

“Don’t worry, this has happened to me before. First thing you need to do is get used to using your crutches for amusement, and fending off attacks from long-haired skinny metallers. Then you can concentrate on finding somewhere to live, a job, and your glasses, which you have probably lost.

If you like talking about how wasted you got at the weekend, don’t take a job in a secure unit full of recovering smackheads who have all got cannabis psychosis. The £7.50 an hour isn’t worth being homeless again for. McDonalds or HAP are ideal places to start; within a month you can be drive-thru team leader, and you get a massive bag of burgers to take round the shed at the end of the night.

Speaking of sheds, they can make surprisingly comfortable temporary accommodation. You’ll need electricity, mind, and some old sofa cushions. Don’t overstay your welcome though, and make sure your mates don’t find out you’ve been choking the chicken in there!!

Other places to stay – maybe you can rotate nightly so as to keep it fresh and interesting – are one of your best friend’s bedroom floors (best if he still lives with his parents), the sofa of a mad person (preferably one who has indeed been sectioned – they get a lot of benefits), or a tent. Best not to stay in your tent if you have work though: they don’t have electricity so your alarm clock will not work.

Alternatively, you could move into a flat with someone, but be prepared to squat in it if they move out.

Hope this helps, and make sure you don’t break your glasses.”

Do you have a query for Auntie Evans? Email auntie.evans@crevs.co.uk now!