Auntie Evans: Let’s Call It Freeganism
Steve from St Neots writes, “Dear Auntie Evans…
Recently my Jewish boyfriend has refused to buy me £4 loaves of bread from Marks & Spencer, saying they are exactly the same as Tesco Value. I beg to differ. Obviously I don’t want to spend my own money on these pricey yeasty delights – what can I do?”
Auntie Evans responds:
If you’re having trouble buying food, the best thing to do is eat like a homeless. I’ve been a homeless, and they do eat quite well. It’s funny you should mention M&S. This used to be a prime source of food, as they chuck away a lot of stuff at the end of the day and you can reach into the bins and get it while it’s still fresh – being careful of course that you don’t lose your glasses in the process.
Unfortunately, like some sort of urban fox, I got a bit too bold and the lure of those gourmet prawn sandwiches was too much, and I went through their bins during the day. Now they die all the food, but if you don’t mind a purple gob, this is still a great way to get quality food at the low low price of your dignity. Otherwise you’ll have to go through Somerfield’s bins, and that’s a bit dirty isn’t it.
Your friends may take the piss, of course, but you are probably eating better than they are. Call it freeganism, and you can maintain a moral highground whilst chowing down on your not-just-any-food.
Other ways to eat when hungry are coincidentally knocking at a mate’s door around dinner time, and occasionally grab your stomach and grimace a little bit. When they ask what’s up, reply that you must be getting hunger pains because you haven’t eaten in days. It might be an idea to make a note of who has fed you each day though – if you get too fucked and forget, the person that made you breakfast that day may think you are insulting their hospitality – or worse still joking, and that won’t get you food, or indeed find your glasses.
