Auntie Evans: Permanent Surprise

Colon from St Neots writes,
“Dear Auntie Evans…

Recently I got wanged at a mates house and passed out. Whilst unconscious, the bastards went at my hair with clippers and I now only have one eyebrow. What to do?”

Auntie Evans responds:

“Yeah, this is a favourite tactic of so-called ‘mates’. First of all, you want to blame whoever is sleeping in the room you woke up in. Check for radiator burns if you hid behind the sofa, as they may have tried to flush you out by cranking up the heating.

Then, assess your plan for the day. Typically, this sort of thing will happen if you have something important to do, like visiting your grandparents, or a job interview, or a date. Hopefully you have a hat you can wear, but if not you’ll have to go for the ‘thug’ look – shave your head all over. And since you will have lost your glasses, you may have to get a friend to finish the job, lest you miss bits and end up looking like a muppet with alopecia.

Eyebrows are a tricky one. Without them, sweat will drip into your eyes next time you get gurned up, and it’ll sting like a bitch. But with only one eyebrow, people will think you’re trying to emulate some evil Bond villain or something. You have to weigh this up against shaving the other one off too, and looking permanently surprised for a couple of weeks.

Remember, they’ll probably grow back, and you can always draw some in using a permanent marker. Unless you’re ginger, of course – not many places sell ginger pens.”

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