Auntie Evans: Personal Shopper

Dorina Kaligerous from Wantage, Oxon. writes:

“Dear Auntie Evans…

I’ve been trying to get up the courage to buy some reeferdoobs. However, I’m nervous. What is a trip to the dealers like?”

Auntie Evans responds:

“Well Ms Kaligerous, first of all, I find it’s important to check that you are not actually following the trail of destruction left by the police raid squad, who arrived seconds before you, and will arrest you before you realise how hard you’ve been hit with a nightstick.

Once you’ve overcome that hurdle, you’ll need to make sure your intended dealer is not currently undergoing a shakedown from the fuzz, a minor surgery, family dinner or GCSE exam. He won’t be pleased if he ends up with a C in English Literature because he got chucked out of the exam, so don’t walk into that exam pretending your name is Kirsty. Especially if you are in the year above.

Finally, once you have your drugs, any delay may result in the five-oh turning up, so just do them all straight away. Twenty pills is fine, as is an eight of coke in a single line. If you’ve bought green, you’ll probably want to do it in buckets or old-stylees so you don’t have to buy any Rizla. Seeing the prices in KLG is hard when you are gurning and the cops have broken your glasses.”