Auntie Evans: Dealing With Others

Smick from the Wild Wild West writes,

“Dear Auntie Evans,

I’ve just seen two crackheads, talking jibberish, shaking babies and having a little dance when they thought I wasn’t looking. Any advice?”

Evans responds:

“Well Catboy, in this sort of situation, you wanna hope the crackfiends haven’t seen you. But as they’re a little blurry when you’ve lost your glasses, let’s assume they noticed, and deal with it before you develop an addiction.

Shape a large carrot from crack, tie it to a stick, and use it to lure them away from the shaken baby. If you can’t get hold of enough crack – maybe your dealer is hanging out in Northamptonshire, for example – shape a rock of crack from a real carrot instead. You’ll probably find one in the bins behind M&S.

As for the talking jibberish, well… as you know, I often believe other people are speaking Spanish. Maybe you just aren’t listening, or shouldn’t have done so many pills last night.

Hey ho.”