Marina from the Diamond asks,
“Dear Auntie Evans,
I was recently informed that the office I work in is closing down. Yesterday, the bastards told me I have five weeks left. What to do?”
Evans Responds:
“Well Marina, if you are sensible like me you will have not spent the last few weeks since informed of your impending redundancy searching for alternative employment.
This would obviously be a waste of time, and will continue to be so for the next month until you find yourself jobless.
What I would recommend is getting wasted tomorrow night and not going back in. You don’t really need that five weeks’ wages, do you – after all, it’s been a while since you had to buy any new specs!
Now, if all has been going according to plan you will have been sharing a house with a couple of useless unemployed brothers who have both recently got a job. Your new status as the workshy member of the household will have you transferred to the smallest bedroom and on permanent cleaning and cooking duty in no time at all.
This will obviously get on your wick, but watch out – any small altercation could lead to them becoming cunts of the highest magnitude. Considering they’ve probably got you sleeping in a bed infested with all sorts of creepy-crawlies by now, I’d imagine you’ll want to snap and move out on a whim.
Where to live next, then? Your mum will put you up for a day or two, but I’d imagine the most awesome plan would be to move into a two-bed flat that already contains three other people: a ket-fiend, a perpetually unemployed man with an inability to be angered, and a young black teenager who is obsessed with slash. You’ll be renting the sofa, but that’s ok, it won’t be the first time.
Now, living in this precarious predicament would suggest that you need to be on your best behaviour. However, the much more fun alternative is to tick a load of drugs from a dealer that doesn’t know about it, and have to move out within an hour before he kneecaps you.
Follow the above tips and you’ll be back to your sofa-surfing ways in no time at all! Hope you enjoy.”
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