Latest Comic: Crank Gallagher
Latest Blogs & News:
Here’s a great shot of Craigy enjoying the first £1.50 pint of the evening at everyone’s favourite, Unique Bar.
Steve from St Neots writes, “Dear Auntie Evans…
Recently my Jewish boyfriend has refused to buy me £4 loaves of bread from Marks & Spencer, saying they are exactly the same as Tesco Value. I beg to differ. Obviously I don’t want to spend my own money on these pricey yeasty delights – what can I do?”
Auntie Evans responds:
If you’re having trouble buying food, the best thing to do is eat like a homeless. I’ve been a homeless, and they do eat quite well. It’s funny you should mention M&S. This used to be a prime source of food, as they chuck away a lot of stuff at the end of the day and you can reach into the bins and get it while it’s still fresh – being careful of course that you don’t lose your glasses in the process.
Unfortunately, like some sort of urban fox, I got a bit too bold and the lure of those gourmet prawn sandwiches was too much, and I went through their bins during the day. Now they die all the food, but if you don’t mind a purple gob, this is still a great way to get quality food at the low low price of your dignity. Otherwise you’ll have to go through Somerfield’s bins, and that’s a bit dirty isn’t it.
Your friends may take the piss, of course, but you are probably eating better than they are. Call it freeganism, and you can maintain a moral highground whilst chowing down on your not-just-any-food.
Other ways to eat when hungry are coincidentally knocking at a mate’s door around dinner time, and occasionally grab your stomach and grimace a little bit. When they ask what’s up, reply that you must be getting hunger pains because you haven’t eaten in days. It might be an idea to make a note of who has fed you each day though – if you get too fucked and forget, the person that made you breakfast that day may think you are insulting their hospitality – or worse still joking, and that won’t get you food, or indeed find your glasses.
Thanks to Void for these brilliant covert shots of Evans in one of his favourite settings: anywhere there’s drugs and alcohol!
Steph from St Neots said, “Here is a photo of Craigy sniffing poppers. Enjoy”
Evans certainly did.
Continue reading "Craigy Avoids Coppers Whilst Doing Poppers" »
Tommy from the Eastside writes,“Dear Auntie Evans…
I’ve been playing “the game” for some time now, and I used to play it with friends, but just recently everyone has stopped playing and I’ve had to carry on by myself. Of course, I never win with just me playing – but then I never won anyhow.”
Auntie Evans responds:
Then the game came along and I got hooked. Now, you might still be playing because, according to the rules, you cannot win – only lose. To be fair, you would have been warned when asking about the rules that you do not want to know, as once you start playing you cannot stop.
However, recently there has been a winning method developed. You’ll have to find someone else who is still playing. When they announce that they have lost, merely state that you have, indeed, won.
Of course, there is a chance that you weren’t talking about this game, in which case I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with playing with by yourself, even in a friend’s shed. In fact, your friends may be upset if you try to play with them, so just take a few little ones and watch that you don’t break your ankle.”
Have you snapped the lesser-spotted Crevola out and about in it’s natural St Neots habitat? You have? Great. Send us a picture to be featured on our Out & About Evans.
Each month the best pictures will win a mug with Evans’ mug on it, some “I love Evans” stickers, and the glory of being one of the few photographers to catch Famous Flevs on film.
Extra points will be awarded if Evans is:
- Gurning
- Checking the weather
- Missing an eyebrow
- Wearing makeup
- Being arrested
- Being fired
- Breaking a bone
Send your pictures to outandabout@crevs.co.uk
Colon from St Neots writes,
“Dear Auntie Evans…Recently I got wanged at a mates house and passed out. Whilst unconscious, the bastards went at my hair with clippers and I now only have one eyebrow. What to do?”
Auntie Evans responds:
Then, assess your plan for the day. Typically, this sort of thing will happen if you have something important to do, like visiting your grandparents, or a job interview, or a date. Hopefully you have a hat you can wear, but if not you’ll have to go for the ‘thug’ look – shave your head all over. And since you will have lost your glasses, you may have to get a friend to finish the job, lest you miss bits and end up looking like a muppet with alopecia.
Eyebrows are a tricky one. Without them, sweat will drip into your eyes next time you get gurned up, and it’ll sting like a bitch. But with only one eyebrow, people will think you’re trying to emulate some evil Bond villain or something. You have to weigh this up against shaving the other one off too, and looking permanently surprised for a couple of weeks.
Remember, they’ll probably grow back, and you can always draw some in using a permanent marker. Unless you’re ginger, of course – not many places sell ginger pens.”
Send us your problems for Auntie Evans to resolve:
You can now get Evans’ mug on a mug and become a fan on Facebook. Do it!
Today, Dr Flevens answers Disappointment Dave’s query on homelessness.
Dave, from Eynesbury, writes:
“Dear Auntie Evans…
A couple of weeks ago I broke my ankle whilst playing on the spinning disc. Since then, I have been fired from my job and my parents have kicked me out.
How can I start getting back on my feet?”
Auntie Evans responds:
If you like talking about how wasted you got at the weekend, don’t take a job in a secure unit full of recovering smackheads who have all got cannabis psychosis. The £7.50 an hour isn’t worth being homeless again for. McDonalds or HAP are ideal places to start; within a month you can be drive-thru team leader, and you get a massive bag of burgers to take round the shed at the end of the night.
Speaking of sheds, they can make surprisingly comfortable temporary accommodation. You’ll need electricity, mind, and some old sofa cushions. Don’t overstay your welcome though, and make sure your mates don’t find out you’ve been choking the chicken in there!!
Other places to stay – maybe you can rotate nightly so as to keep it fresh and interesting – are one of your best friend’s bedroom floors (best if he still lives with his parents), the sofa of a mad person (preferably one who has indeed been sectioned – they get a lot of benefits), or a tent. Best not to stay in your tent if you have work though: they don’t have electricity so your alarm clock will not work.
Alternatively, you could move into a flat with someone, but be prepared to squat in it if they move out.
Hope this helps, and make sure you don’t break your glasses.”
Do you have a query for Auntie Evans? Email auntie.evans@crevs.co.uk now!
In the first of a new series, Auntie Evans will answer all your blunder-related problems.
Have you been in a drug-related stupor for the last six days, and are unsure where your glasses are?
Do you need advice on masturbation techniques whilst living in a shed?
Email Auntie Evans on auntie.evans@crevs.co.uk and he will respond to your problems with his usual degree of common sense and compassion. Watch the front page for updates!!
MC from St Neots writes,
“Dear Auntie Evans…It’s my birthday soon and my friends have asked me to go to a rave and take acid. What do you think I should do?”
Auntie Evans Responds:
I would tend to triple-drop the recommended dose, or quadruple it if you’ve never done acid before. LSD is a powerful substance, unless your name is Stan, so you wanna make sure you get well and truly fucked.
The only way this could go sour is if you start to believe you can alter reality. The night might end with you breaking a ladies nose, or stripping off and taking on the ten hardest men in the room. The acid means you will keep getting up for more, so expect potentially broken bones.
After you have horrified one of your best mates by making him hug you – whilst naked – you’ll end up in the hands of London Ambulance Services finest. Charing Cross hospital is your ideal destination, as there are often a lot of clothes around to steal when you wake up naked and discharge yourself (ignoring the obvious head traumas you’ve experienced).
With any luck, you’ll wander aimlessly to King’s Cross and bump into your friends. So really, as you can see, acid is a great idea which probaby won’t result in you losing your glasses or job.”
Keep your problems for the Agony Coach coming!! Auntie Flevanator or one of the team will respond to you as soon as we can.
Type of Evans
- Auntie Evans (11)
- Comics (14)
- Out & About Evans (9)
- Real Life (5)
Meaty Meta
Tags
Recent Comments